We see articles like this one all the time in self help columns, with people asking for advice on how to confront a loved one (usually a sibling, a child, or a romantic partner) about their drinking.

It’s an extremely tough thing to do, and it can easily go wrong. On the one hand, if you’re too cautious, you may not convey the gravity of your concern. On the other, if you’re too aggressive, you can produce a defensive reaction.

We thought we’d share some tips based on our experience helping people cut back or quit drinking in our app, Drinker’s Helper.

Here’s how to approach this difficult conversation with a loved one with compassion, clarity and confidence!:

Keep it private. This isn’t a movie. An intervention featuring everyone they know and love is a confrontational way to come at this. That might be necessary after several gentler conversations have failed to make an impression, but it should be reserved for those more extreme situations.
Start with support. If you start the conversation by saying you love them and are coming from a supportive place, you can significantly reduce the tension. It’s easier for someone to brush off criticism or defend themselves against a perceived attack than it is to ignore someone worried about them and expressing concern.
Emphasize how their drinking has impacted you. It’s not that you can’t also share your observations about how it seems to be impacting them, apart from you. But it’s easy for someone to argue that their drinking isn’t hurting them the way you think it is. If you focus on the impact it’s having on you, that’s harder to argue with. Plus, you can focus the conversation on changes that might reduce the harm to you from their drinking. Maybe they can stop drinking on nights before they have important work or family responsibilities, for example.
Ask them if they’ve thought about cutting back or quitting. This can work better than recommending a change yourself. If you get someone talking about whether they’ve thought about cutting back or quitting drinking, and why or why not, they’ll share their reasoning. They may share what’s holding them back, or what’s causing them to drink the way they are. That helps you figure out how best to help them. Maybe they’ve been feeling down and need some reassurance. Maybe they don’t know where to start with making a change. Which brings us to…
Let them know there are options. If you don’t struggle with controlling your drinking, it can be hard to empathize with someone who does. For that reason, many people don’t anticipate that their relatives and friends may want to cut back or quit, but find it hard to do. The good news is: we’re way past the days when AA or rehab (which typically draws heavily on the tenets of AA) were the only options for someone who’s decided they’re drinking too much. Many therapists specialize in this area. There are support groups for many different approaches to cutting back or quitting drinking. There are also apps that help you track your drinking and stick to a more moderate level. And there are apps like Drinker’s Helper, which not only help you track your drinking or sobriety, but also help you learn techniques to stick to your goals in the face of temptation. We also give you a virtual peer support group to share your journey with for advice and empathy, and it’s completely anonymous, so you can share freely!

We hope this post has been helpful to you if you’re wondering how to approach a friend or loved one with concern about their drinking. If you have other ideas or tips, please feel free to share them in the comments!

If you’re working to cut back or quit drinking, join us today. Drinker’s Helper is an app that provides motivational exercises, drink tracking and insights into why you drink, and a personalized support group of your peers to help you make needed changes. We believe you can do it!